"the trouble with my heart is that i can't rip it out"

How the Grinch Stole Marriage

2004-12-07T23:11:00.000-05:00

How the Grinch Stole Marriage
by Mary Ann Horton, Lisa and Bill Koontz
(with apologies to Dr. Seuss.)

Every Gay down in Gayville liked Gay Marriage a lot......
But the Grinch, who lived just east of Gayville, did NOT!!

The Grinch hated happy Gays! The whole Marriage season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, his Florsheims were too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all was
His heart and brain were two sizes too small.

"And they're buying their tuxes!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow's the first Gay Wedding! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Gay Marriage from coming!"

For, tomorrow, he knew... All the Gay girls and boys
would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their vows!
And then! Oh, the Joys! Oh, the Joys!

And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Gay down in Gayville the tall and the small,
would stand close together, all happy and blissing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Gays would start kissing!

"I MUST stop Gay Marriage from coming! ...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he went to his closet, grabbed his sheet and his hood.
And he chuckled, and clucked, with a great Grinchy word!
"With this beard and this cross, I look just like our Lord!"

"All I need is a Scripture..." The Grinch looked around.
But, true Scripture is scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch...? No! The Grinch simply said,
"With no Scripture on Marriage, I'll fake one instead!"
"It's one man and one woman," the Grinch falsely said.

Then he broke in the courthouse. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Georgie could do it, then so could the Grinch.
The little Gay benefits hung in a row.
"These bennies," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most uncanny,
around the whole room, and he took every benny!
Health care for partners! Doctors for kiddies!
Tax rights! Adoptions! Pensions and Wills!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, with a chill,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, in his bill.

Then he slunk to the kitchen, and stole Wedding Cake.
He cleaned out that icebox and made it look straight.
He took the Gay-bar keys! He took the Gay Flag.
Why, that Grinch even took their last Gay birdseed bag!

"And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will pocket their Rings."
And the Grinch grabbed the Rings, and he started to shove
when he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and off flew his hood.
Little Lisa-Bi Gay behind him sadly stood.
The Grinch had been caught by small Lisa-Bi.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "My, oh, my, why?"
"Why are you taking our Wedding Rings? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Shepherd sneered,
"The judges are evil, the other states weird."
"I'll fix the rings there and I'll bring them back here."

It was quarter past dawn... All the Gays, still a-bed,
all the Gays still a-snooze when he packed up and fled.
"Pooh-Pooh to the Gays!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now no Gay Marriage is coming!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
then the Gays down in Gayville will all cry Boo-Hoo!"

He stared down at Gayville! The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Gay down in Gayville, the tall and the small,
was kissing! Without any bennies at all!
He HADN'T stopped Marriage from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came without lawyers, no papers to sort!"
"It came without licenses, came without courts!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!

"Maybe Marriage," he thought, "doesn't come from the court.
Maybe Marriage...perhaps... comes right from the heart.
Maybe Marriage comes from all the words the Gays say.
Words like Husband, like Wedding, and Spouse who is Gay."
And what happened then...? Well...in Gayville they say
that the Grinch's small brain grew three sizes that day!

And the Gays had their Weddings. They promised for life.
They swore to be faithful, to Wife and her Wife.
The Husbands were happy, to each other they vowed
To be Out and be Honest, be Gay and be Proud.
They told all their neighbors and friends of their Spouse,
They told of their Marriage and sharing their house.
They said "We got Married." They shouted it loud.
Their marital status was "Married and Proud."

And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light.
And he brought back the rings, cake and Gay birdseed bags!
And he... ...HE HIMSELF... hung the Gay Rainbow Flag!

The Lord looked down, at the proud and the tall,
and said "These are my children, and I love them all."

The moral of this story is that we don't need a piece of paper and
the
approval of the state to get married. We can just get married.
Instead
of having a committment ceremony, we can have a wedding. Instead
of partners, we can have husbands and wives. Instead of calling our
relationship a Domestic Partnership or a Civil Union, we can call it
a
Marriage.

Whether any government recognizes it is separate from what we call
it. It's
a
free country and we can call ourselves what we like.In 5 or 10 or 20
years,
with plenty of visible same-sex married couples, the world won't see
us as
strange or scary, we're just the married couple down the street that
happens
to be gay. Eventually, the legal recognization of our marriages will
follow.

If we allow ourselves to voluntarily sit in the back of the bus,
we'll never
make any progress. Rosa Parks had to sit in the front of the bus to
make a
difference. We must as well.

Copyright (c) 2004 by Mary Ann Horton. Permission granted to copy in
whole,
with attribution. This is a parody of "How the Grinch Stole
Christmas."

California's Letter of Secession

2004-11-28T22:38:00.000-05:00

California's Letter of Secession

Dear President Bush:

Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals. Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in California, so we're leaving you. California will now be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, all of the North East States, and the urban half of Ohio.

We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of California. In fact, God is so excited about it, she's going to shift the whole country at 4:30 pm EST this Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be back in their states by then. God is going to give us the Pacific Ocean and Hollywood. In addition!, we're getting San Diego. (Sorry, that's just how it goes.) But God is letting you have the KKK and country music (except the Dixie Chicks).

Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, and anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to need all Blue States citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight in Falujah, just ask your evangelical voters. They have tons of kids they're willing to send to their deaths for absolutely no purpose. And they don't care if you don't show pictures of their kids' caskets coming home.

So, you get Texas and all the former slave states, and we get the Governator and stem cell research. (We would love you to take Britney Spears off our hands, though. She IS from the south, right?)

Since we get New York, you'll have to come up with your own late night TV shows because we get MTV, Letterman, the Daily Show, and Conan O'Brien. You get... well, well! why don't you ask your people at Fox News to come up with something entertaining? (Maybe you should just watch Crossfire. That's a really funny show.)

We wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously.
Soon.

Sincerely,
California

Heterosexual Questionaire

2004-11-28T22:16:00.000-05:00

HETEROSEXUALITY QUESTIONNAIRE

(Attributed to Martin Rochlin, PhD, January 1977)

1. What do you think has caused you to be heterosexual?

2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

3. Is it possible your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of people of the same sex?

4. If you've never slept with a person of the same sex, how do you know you wouldn't prefer it?

5. Isn't it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

6. Isn't it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?

7. If heterosexuality is normal, why are a disproportionate number of mental patients heterosexual?

8. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

9. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex? Why are they so promiscuous?

10. Do heterosexuals hate and/or distrust others of their own sex? Is that what makes them heterosexual?

11. If you were to have children, would you want them to be heterosexual knowing the problems they'd face?

12. Your heterosexuality doesn't offend me as long as you don't try to force it on me. Why do you feel compelled to seduce others into your sexual orientation?

13. The great majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you really consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?

14. Why do you insist on being so obvious, and making a public spectacle of your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who you are and keep it quiet?

15. How can you ever hope to become a whole person if you limit yourself to a compulsive, exclusively heterosexual lifestyle, and remain unwilling to explore and develop your homosexual potential?

16. Heterosexuals are noted for assigning themselves and each other to narrowly restricted, stereotyped sex-roles. Why do you cling to such unhealthy role playing?

17. Even with all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiralling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

18. How could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual like you, considering the menace of overpopulation?

19. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that could help you change if you really wanted to. Have you considered trying psychotherapy or even aversion therapy?

21. Could you really trust a heterosexual therapist/counsellor to be objective and unbiased? Don't you fear he/she might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his/her own preferences?

22. How can you enjoy a full, satisfying sexual experience or deep emotional rapport with a person of the opposite sex when the differences are so vast? How can a man understand what pleases a woman, or vice-versa?

break up song

2004-10-29T00:47:00.000-04:00

Maybe I'm off
Ya I'm strangely askew
Maybe I ran away
Just when you started
To get a good view
Maybe I turned out to be
Nothing like the me
YOu wanted me to be
So another one's gone
Ya another love lost
And I'm bitter and rusted
And I want off with my heart
Convinced I'm over
Ya I'm convinced I'm through
'N I'm certain of one thing
It's that I'll never love anyone again
Not the way that I loved you
Ya 'cause I'm blank I'm still
And I'm numb from the pain
'N I'm fine with the weather
And with us being not together
'N I'm tired of faking
'Cause I've been faking it for years
'N I'm sick of writing this song
About how love always disappears
I know
That you tried
I know
That it's just going to take some time
For me to stop hearing my voice
And saying good-bye
'Cause I was taught that love grows
So why does it always seem to
Fade on me
'N I'll admit that I was wrong
I was wrong to lead you on that way
'Cause I told you that pain is temporary
And I told you that our love exists
But right now do you wann know
What the saddest part of the whole thing is
Is that right now baby I don't give a shit
Ya 'cause I'm blank I'm still
And I'm numb from the pain
'N I'm fine with the weather
And with us being not together
'N I'm tired of faking
'Cause I've been faking it for years
'N I'm sick of writing this song
About how love always disappears
I know
That you tried
I know
That it's just going to take some time
For me to stop hearing my voice
Saying good-bye
Good-bye
So I dropped you at the curb
You leaned over and gave me a "so long"
I pulled out and turned the radio on
I take a long deep drag to our
Break up song

you wouldn't like me

2004-10-24T21:31:00.000-04:00

there's a war inside of me
do I cause new heartbreak to write a new broken song
do I push it down or let it run me right into the ground
I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me
well I can't stop talking for fear of listening to unwelcome sound
and you haven't called me in weeks and honestly it's bringing me down
I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me
I feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me
and don't you worry there's still time
there's nothing to live for when I'm sleeping alone
and I wash the windows outside in hopes that the glare will bring you around
sunshine is days away I won't be saved I know all the words
I can't say that I'll love you forever
I won't say that I'll love you forever

mary prankster

2004-10-18T22:02:00.000-04:00

Your presence meant more than I’d anticipated
Took my breath away, so I asphyxiated
Forgive me, but I just don’t think I have that kind of strength

My weakness is fragile and it’s feminine
And one’s benediction is another man’s sin
Fools rush in where wise men stay at arm’s length

If you were a hundred miles away
If you were a thousand miles away
If you were a million miles away
It would be better than having you here at arm’s length

I wish I had known when I lay by your side
That it was to be for the very last time
How much more would I have thought to savor?

Or that one sweet final kiss
Nice girls aren’t supposed to write songs like this
Fell so quickly in love, just as quickly out of favor

Some distances can’t be measured by miles
Pain that I feel at each one of your smiles
Nice girls aren’t supposed to even think these thoughts

If you were a light year gone from time
I’m telling you, boy — the pleasure is mine
Look at me here with all this trouble I bought (so willingly)

i'm a lesbian

2004-10-15T23:36:00.000-04:00

please mama can't you see
i've always tried to please
i wore ribbons and jewelry and makeup
and perfume and dresses down to my knees
you said that its a phase
just something that i'll out grow
but i've got a girlfriend and
she's got a lawn that i sure like to mow
go on and wish that brad pitt would come along
but i'd prefer madonna in a lacy thong
cuz i'm a lesbian
i don't like nothing swinging between their legs
yeah i'm a lesbian
i don't know why God gave me eggs
when i have sex its fun and clean
and no man come in between
no i don't need no magic wand
i'm a lesbiannnnnnnnn
they talk behind my back
and criticize my life
but i get no compliants from lou diamond phillips wife
cuz i'm a lesbian
i'd rather been with jane than dick
yeah i'm a lesbian
a penis doesn't do the trick
when we go in for 69
i know hers is the same as mine
hide yer wives cuz here i come
I'M A LLLEEESSSBBBIIIAAANNN

one morning you wake afraid you are going to live

2004-10-14T02:30:00.000-04:00

"i keep trying to remember that everytime God shuts a door He opens a window..."

"Yeah, so we have something to jump out of..." - Saved!

"I'm sure that I have nowhere to run, that I can't even walk anywhere without tripping and falling way down, and I know I want out of this mess. I want out. No one will ever love me, I will live and die alone, I will go nowhere fast, I will be nothing at all. Nothing will work out. The promise that on the other side of Depression lies a beautiful life, one worth surviving suicide for, will have turned out wrong. It will all be a big dupe."

"How can you hide from what never goes away?" - Heraclitus

"It was like sawdust, the unhappiness: it infiltrated everything, everything was a problem, everything made her cry--school, homework, boyfriends, the future, the lack of future, the uncertainty of future, fear of future, fear in general--but it was so hard to say exactly what the problem was in the first place." - Melanie Thernstrom

"If you take someone's thoughts and feelings away, bit by bit, consistently, then they have nothing left, except some gritty, gnawing, shitty little instinct, down there, somewhere, worming around the gut, but so far down, so hidden, it's impossible to find. Imagine, if you will, a worldwide conspiracy to deny the existence of the colour yellow. And whenever you saw yellow, they told you, no, that isn't yellow, what the fuck's yellow? Eventually, whever you saw yellow, you would say: that isn't yellow, course it isn't, blue or green or purple, or...You'd say it, yes it is, it's yellow, and become increasingly hysterical, and then go quite berserk." -- David Edgar

"There's nothing I hate more than nothing. Nothing keeps me up at night. I toss and turn over nothing. Nothing could cause a great big fight." -- Edie Brickell

"I know the bottom, she says. I know it with my great tap root: It is what you fear. I do not fear it: I have been there." -- Silvia Plath

i'll be that girl

2004-10-12T22:45:00.000-04:00

If I were you (and I wish that I were you)
All the things I'd do to make myself turn blue
I suppose I'd start by removing all my clothes,
tie my pantyhose around my neck

I'll be that girl - and you would be right over
If I were a field, you would be in clover
If I were the sun, you would be in shadow
And if I had a gun, there'd be no tomorrow

If you will not have me as myself,
perhaps as someone else
Perhaps as you
I'll be worth noticing
Then even a eunuch won't resist
The magic of a kiss from such as me

I'll be that girl - and you would be right over
If I were a field, you would be in clover
If I were the sun, you would be in shadow
If I had a gun, there'd be no tomorrow

It's time to kick off your shoes,
learn how to choose sadness
It's time to throw off those chains,
craddle our brains with madness'
Cause we've got plenty of time
to grow old and die

But when at last your beauty's faded
you'll be glad that I have waited for you
When you're done
with being beautiful and young
When that course is run, then come to me

I'll be that girl - and you would be right over
If I were a field, you would be in clover
If I were the sun, you would be in shadow
If I had a gun, there'd be no tomorrow

There'd be no tomorrow
There'd be no tomorrow
There'd be no tomorrow
There'd be no tomorrow

silence

2004-10-12T20:06:00.000-04:00

THE ULTIMATE SILENCE
October 12, 1998

Six years ago today, Matthew Shepard was murdered for being homosexual.

What will you do to end the silence?

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